Social Media on the High Seas
EVERYTHING I WOULD HAVE TWEETED/SHARED IF ONLY I’D HAD SERVICE
Ah vacation. A time to relax on a scorching hot beach with little umbrella drinks.
Unless you’re me who finds “disconnecting” to be stressful, can’t be in the sun for than three seconds without burning and thinks 80 is too hot to be outside.
Who’s idiotic idea was it to take a vacation where there was no internet??? Me? Oh yeah…
Seriously though it WAS a pretty great vacation. My mom and I took a Holland America cruise, our first cruise EVER, to the Western Caribbean hitting Half Moon Cay (sort of, see below), Grand Cayman, Cozumel and Key West. I ate a lot of great food, drank some DRANKS and got the manuscript for The Physics of Leaving almost finalized for print!
The only thing that was missing was the ability to record all of this wonderful (and occasionally awful) experience for posterity. I’m one of those people that uses social media like a scrapbook/journal so not being able to Facebook/Tweet/Insta was pretty annoying for me.
So I did the next best thing. I recorded every post I would have made in my Notes. See below for a #latergram of my trip to the Caribbean.
Captain’s Log Day 1
Mom: *asks a question*
Me: I don’t know
Mom: *asks another question*
Me: I don’t know
Mom: *asks ANOTHER question*
Me: MOM. I.DON’T. KNOW.
Mom: I’m just used to you knowing everything!
Me: I’m used to being able to google everything. We are both going to have to adjust!
Creepy guy followed us earlier to look for the dining room. We were able to shake him. Ran into him again at the indoor pool. Mom keeps talking to him. #STAHP
Forgot our room number.
Mom’s solution: Go down to Guest Services and ask what our room number is.
My solution: try card in every door in the general vicinity of where I remember our door to be.
#IGotInFirstIWin @Verandah, Deck 5
My mother and I have this kind of relationship where we often want to kill each other. When this reaches its peak, we go to the bar – @Ocean Bar, Deck 3
OMG Mom just dropped $800 on a drink plan whaaaaaat
Lady tried to cut in line at dinner by shouting her table number at the porter that was taking us to our table. I said “us first.” #LooseLipsSinkShips #OhShit – @Dining Room, Deck 2
So many waiters. SO many.
Booked fancy spa appt awwwww yisssss – @Greenhouse Spa, Deck 9
Wanted to check out the ocean in the absolute dark but the STUPID VERANDAH DOOR WONT OPEN #WheresTheSteward
Captain’s Log Day 2
Room service breakfast before #BeachDay at Half Moon Cay! #HalfMoonYay @At Sea, Atlantic Ocean
LAWL veranda door not broken. Was pulling instead of pushing. #BlondsNeedTheBeach
Massage and Facial. #IAmNoodle @Greenhouse Spa, Deck 9
If I had to pick a most used phrase for this trip it would be “normally I’d google it…”
I was told there was Starbucks coffee here. I was lied to. The copious amount of alcohol can’t even make this coffee drinkable. Imma drink it tho. Imma drink it… @Explorations Cafe, Deck 11
Lost a fight with a deck umbrella. Almost angrily shouted at on-lookers for not helping us. Yelled at mom instead. This is going well. @Sea View Pool, Deck 9
In an effort not to murder each other Mom and I have decided to go our separate ways.
Workin on my book. So much kissing. So much. Also I’ve been drinking. @The Crow’s Nest, Deck 11
Heeeeey they’re playing trivia in here! Diamonds and Gemstones Trivia.
I lost. Welp time for another drink
Geez another team trivia game? Oh, shit this was advertised in the When and Where. So. Many. People. #ByeByeTime
“You do it.” “No YOU do it.” Me and Mom this entire trip
Captain’s Log Day 3
This Canadian guy at breakfast knew literally everything in the entire world @The Dining Room, Deck 2
Tried eggs Benedict for the first time. Now officially obsessed with eggs Benedict.
Staff be following me around this gift shop like they know I’m from the trailer park. @ The Shops, Deck 3
This jewelry sales guy better back up off my mom because I know that look on her face. That look means the only jewelry she’s gonna be wearing is your nuts on a charm bracelet if you don’t leave her the fuck alone. #MommaDontPlay
Lunch at Lido Market.
Me: I’ll have a sweet tea
Waiter: (Sets tea glass in front of me, gestures to table) Sugar is there.
Up in the crows nest puttin in werk #TPoL #AmEditing #SeaDay
Gala night! Me: which would you recommend between the duck and the risotto?
Our Dining Steward, Gus: is very different
Me: i know. just which one is better
Gus: you get both.
Me: I CAN HAVE BOTH?
Gus: yes both.
I’m never leaving.
Captain’s Log Day 4
Grand Caymen here we come! @St Georges, Grand Cayman
Take your time ladies you’re only holding up the whole boat.
All the old people were back on the boat within 5 minutes.
THANK YOU BOATMAN FOR DUMPING CHUM IN THE WATER AS EVERYONE WAS TRYING TO GET ON. I almost died y’all. The biggest stingray I’ve ever seen swam under me and I felt it move from chest to thigh. #RIPme
Watching BabyDriver while #MomNaps this is a great movie.
Dinner at the buffet is one of the most stressful experiences ever. #CattleCall @Lido Market, Deck 9
So this fucking asshole is at the salad station just bitching up a storm because the sweet little Asian girl behind the counter has about 5 people who act like they’ve never seen lettuce before and is apparently taking too long for his liking.
He just let someone go ahead of him so he could stay there and keep bitching.
“Red beans. No, RED beans. The ones right in front of you. Don’t fill it too full I prefer not to wear it.” What a fucking dickhole
I just went up and got a salad and tipped the girl $5 because not all of us are selfish bullying peckerheads. #NotAllPassengers
Captain’s Log Day 5
Breakfast at the buffet wasn’t our brightest idea. But there’s alcohol sooooo… @Lido Market, Deck 9
Really? Our fucking excursion is canceled? REALLY??? Fucking rough seas. I wanted to go on a sailboat #LumenCove
Heading back up to the Crows Nest while #MomNaps for some line-editing #TPoL #AmEditing
Oh this coffee station y’all. I got a caramel latte with an extra pump because their push-button espresso machine burns the coffee within an inch of its life. The sweet little girl used caramel sauce instead of syrup. #baristaFail @Expression’s Cafe, Deck 11
WHOA i wish i had my phone to get a shot of Cozumel from The Crow’s Nest because wow this water!
Since it’s windy and cloudy we will pass up our last opportunity for a beach day. We have had ZERO surf and sand time on this vacation #BeachBumFail
All people do on these cruises is shop for jewelry. There’s like 40 jewelry shops right at the port. @Cozumel, Mexico
My Cozumel T-shirt is offensive in both color and statement. #MissionAccomplished
Found a restaurant and they have WiFi HUZZAH!!!! Found out my grandfather was moved to hospice BOOOOOO @Jeanies, Cozumel Mexico
Remember how I’ve been making fun of all the Olds wasting their shoreleave shopping for jewelry? Mom and i just bought some jewelry… #OldsInTraining
STARBUCKS MY LOVE MY HEART AND SOUL. @Starbucks, Cozumel, Mexico
Got coffee for me and Mom and the young Latin man asked for my name as he was holding the cup for mom’s drink. So, today we are both “Dayana” #BuxBitches
Goddamn this wind is gonna blow us off this pier.
Back on the ship means back to the Crows Nest and more #AmEditing Line-Edits #TPoL Mom joined for some #amreading of #HillbillyElegy
I like when Mom laughs while #amreading because it’s usually some inappropriate thing Mamaw said. #HillbillyElegy
Mom taps out. I’m still going strong #amEditing #TPoL
Drinks and more boy talk @Ocean Bar, Deck 3
Captain’s Log Day 6
Sea Day AKA nowhere to sit no matter where you go.
Mom’s at the pool. I’m in the Crow’s Nest #togethernessdoneright
So the bartenders here are SUPER salty if you don’t tip them in real time. Which i would have prepared for had we not been told all tips were included. They are included but if you want any kind of service from the bartenders you better be tipping in real time.
Why do the most obnoxious talkers always sit RIGHT next to me??? There are chatting areas all over this ship. Why do you have to have your loud Boston accent conversation in the library???
Captain’s Log Day 7
USA USA USA @Key West, FL
Key West is beautiful. America is beautiful. Cell phone service is B. E. A.UTILFUL
Called Dad to check on GPa and he couldn’t talk because hospice had just called to get them up there. #PrayOnVacay
Mandatory US Boarder Patrol check. This is a shitshow and all these Olds are letting EVERYONE know they are #displeased
HAHAHAHA now they won’t let us off the boat. LAWL these Olds about to riot. “and not a staff member ANYWHERE!!” “I found a staff member but he didn’t speak ENGLISH.” #MAGA #DieOffAlready
Takin this here trolley tour. All these houses are 1M+. #TrollyFacts
There are 86 bars on this island. The most epic pub crawl EVER. #TrolleyFacts
Oh so Key West WASNT that effected by Hurricane as news networks led us to believe. That was a different Key #fakenews #TrolleyTruth
Pause in #TrolleyFacts for a fantastic breakfast. Lobster Omelette with Vermont cheddar, avocado and hollandaise. #NOM @Blue Heaven, Key West, FL
Grandpa John Don Cook passed away at 8:47 this morning with his wife and my dad by his side.
“LOOK KITTY!!!” Me and Mom being literary enthusiasts @the Hemingway Home, Key West, FL
So many typewriters. So many.
Difference between a Key and an Island? Islands have a source of fresh water. Keys don’t #TrolleyFacts
Little White House tour isn’t self-guided. Boo. @The Little White House, Key West, FL
My favorite thing in the world is purposefully running into people who are in the way and apologizing profusely then bumping them again.
Can’t take pics in Little White House as it is still an active presidential residence.
Okay that was a good tour. Learned a lot about Truman.
Jimmy Buffet showed up one day at Margaritaville and did an hour and a half set #TrolleyFacts
Last dinner on board. Imma miss Gus and Bread Guy but mostly Jayson who brought the alcohol. @The Dining Room, Deck 2
Oooooo I’m getting a preview of next seasons drink menu, y’all. It’s called a Wah-Wah after the sound the ambulance makes when it comes to get you. Vodka, rum, gin, pineapple, grenadine, whiskey, triple sec and scotch. #GaGaForWahWah
2nd Wah-Wah. Plus baileys and coffee.
Mom: I’m gonna have to carry her back to the room
Me: hey! I can walk back to the room. I might not REMEMBER the walk but i can do it.
What was the last vacation you took? Comment below or @ me over on Twitter @dianneinwriting